disjunction - The Four Stages of disjunction

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Divorce ranks just above death in severity of stress and is often combined with other stressors, such as marital discord, serious financial problems, a move, singular parenting, multiple losses and litigation, all at once. It's a life cycle crisis that presents a crucial duration of increased vulnerability and heightened potential. With consciousness, the process can be edifying. Although not easy, it's very rewarding, because, in the long run you feel great and learn from the experience, so you don't have to repeat the same mistakes.

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Divorce consists of some stages: Cognitive, emotional, physical, legal, and spiritual. This order isn't commonly what happens, and explains the "Divorce Court" melodrama - couples production the legal divorce while they are still caught up in the drama of their relationship. They haven't separated emotionally, though they're physically apart. The emotional divorce is the cornerstone for transformation covered in "Divorce - A Transformation Process."

Usually, the family has lived with marital problems for some time. Discord may have increased or gone hidden to pronounce a kindly facade. Moderately one or both spouses come to be willing to risk the unknown and pain of divorce - it appears preferable to the pain they're already in.

The cognitive or thinking divorce isn't so much a decision to divorce, as a setting of intention, commonly long preceding the actual decision. Generally, people set goals or a course of intent before they are emotionally and physically ready to carry them out, such as a job convert or a move. The cognitive divorce follows a duration of discontentment and unhappiness. Once the decision is verbalized, the coping behavior and degree of crisis experienced will vary depending on the degree of preparation. Naturally, it's optimal if the family can talk openly and problem-solve the imaginable changes and solutions. More often, there is high dysfunction and open transportation never existed or has previously broken down. Where there's no talking, fear and anger intensify and reactivity escalates. If the decision wasn't mutually arrived at, the spouse left is less ready and experiences greater anger and depression; the one leaving feels guilty. Blurring commonly sets in, and roles, rules, and parenting deteriorate.

The bodily divorce is plainly that; however, couples may continually reunite until the emotional divorce is complete.

The legal dissolution is the socio-economic and cultural separation. As a lawyer and therapist, it is at once apparent that unresolved emotional conflicts fuel adversarial posturing. The legal divorce can be a long, drawn out battle in which couples stay related straight through anger by breaking agreements and violating court orders, or by taking either intransigent or ever-changing positions, reflecting their inner conflict and inability to separate - trying to hold on, and at the same time let go.

The spiritual connection is ephemeral, without time or spatial reference. Some recommend that once established, it's never severed, and remains following the emotional separation. Strong emotions are absent; instead, it's marked by feelings of unconditional love, caring, and vulnerability to the other person.

The task of emotional divorce involves unbonding romantic and dependent aspects of the relationship, and mourning. This is the stage where growth and transformation unfold. If the unbonding process not successfully traversed, the emotional connections will undermine the couple's attempts to separate.

For more on emotional unbonding, see divorce - "A Transformation Process"

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